Alone is Such a Long, Long Time

From beneath the dogwood tree

I listened to wind rustling

across housetops

and through daisy fields

'til it was over me ...

singing in my ear ...

tooting down my throat.

Everything swayed and curved

and billowed ...

and fairy capes flew

toward the sky then

sprinkled down freely,

salting dandelions and poppies

and dousing me in the process.

Do I love you

or do I love love?

I don't know. Truly.

But I'll live,

as long as there are fairy capes

and dandelions.

Alone is Such a Long, Long Time

I know the lonely days by heart.

Even as a child,

floating my ship to school

across enemy seas,

with its peppermint sails unfurled,

I fought dragons

and demon gnats

alone ...

Share the lonely days with me

and I'll show you castles

only I know about ...

lavender books

and clouds of steam

from the tea pot ...

Lonely days were meant for two.

And ... 0 ... beloved ...

to adorn your soul ...

one silver promise ...

the fragile forming of divinity

because I know

that you love

silver things ...

How many times have I

forgotten you today ...

Five? Six? A dozen times perhaps ...

Once when I saw a shadow

and realized it was mine

with none beside it.

You were gone.

Once when I looked across the room

into eyes totally without

shadows and sunlight,

without the tenderness I love so

when you watch me.

I must learn to accept today

and tonight

and the morning of every tomorrow

knowing we tried, in our own way,

scarred by old hurts,

both vulnerable to

and suspicious of

each other's softness.

Certain that new loves

aren't important

not now

not yet.

I build hours,

terribly crowded, lonely hours,

minute by minute by minute,

forgetting you

over and over

again.

I hide inside myself

in some secret waiting place

far away,

close beside,

listening to songs

I remember

of you.

No one goes

or knows

or maybe even cares,

and the brook of my yesterday

is a quiet spot

humming reflections

of soft cheeks

and soft lips

and gentle bruises

and I leave,

walking lightly,

when the hurting

hurts too much.

Half a day past morning

with nowhere to go

but on.

I turn away

from the thought of you

somewhere,

this moment,

moving along avenues

secret from me

known only to crowds

and strangers hurrying by

unaware what miracle they've brushed.

Candy canes have melted

and colored bulbs

are wrapped in paper

to be stored in the attic

for one more year.

I walk the ache away

as best I can

searching for what

I thought I had found

in you.

Lying across my bed,

dulling off in the gentle throb

of sleep,

I hear the song of your voice

and see the hymn of your smile

though knowing my cathedral is gone.

I could still worship there,

but once I knelt on a bed of thorns

and my knees have hurt

ever since.

Knees almost never forget.

Hush now, hush ...

we've done nothing wrong ...

It was only this ...

only that we must bring

to each other

whatever sweetness we have

for our affair is to be

such a short thing ...

over no sooner than it takes

the flame of a match

to ignite and disappear.

There, there ...

lay your head on my breast

if you must weep ...

do not fret, darling

it was the only thing of beauty

I had to offer

and I wanted so badly

for you to be happy.

Shhhh ....

hush now ... hush ...

And one night

I stood on tip-toe

waving my goodbye

not knowing

my heart was about to spill

all over the place

where he

would never

walk again.

I came here alone,

sliding along some misplaced beam ...

whistle-clicking,

gathering moon as I went.

I knew when I came

it would not be long,

a ferris wheel ride

in a rocking chair ...

and I see much,

but it passes quickly

and it's all so blurred.

I'll go alone

when I finally go,

reeling from the speed

and the senselessness of it all.

Was it worth a quarter?

And, mostly,

will you share it with me?

Just for now?

Leaves are falling now,

frost-nipped

orange and brown ...

everything looks cold

and lonely.

Children are coming

home from school,

stomping boat leaves,

frightening the birds,

jackets unzipped and flapping.

Watching through the window

I sometimes wonder

where all the children were

when I was a child.

I must have thought

the shadows safe for hiding

as I groped strange hands,

turned coy smiles aside from theirs,

pressed forward into

a familiar fragrance

and held back

what I had already lost.

I searched for kindness

in cool eyes

and tasted lips

for something I might recognize

and take home with me.

But I was lonesome

and waiting

until you.

I can't remember waiting for you

I can only remember the emptiness ...

I was alone

listening to night sounds

in the day,

following the rain

wherever it fell,

facing into the wind,

waiting for green lights,

catching the tempo of the crowd

with my steps ...

going nowhere in particular ...

My quiet rooms

and gentle places

were safe inside my mind ...

There were parties

and party people ...

Sometimes a smile or hasty kiss

was my quiet room ...

but I was waiting.

Long fields

are golden ...

the grasses grow pale.

Hear on the wind

chimes

of small leaves falling ...

When you wish love

remember

in the strength of forests

youth blows beautifully

downward

and yielding is part of it

too.

Up the narrow stairway

one step at a time

and closer ...

up into night

fresh with the scent

of together ...

to our room of music and mattress,

of lavender dog and broken light

watching us

upside down ...

Our walls know autumns of their own,

cherry boats put out to harbor,

through the window,

into leaves,

full sail to a sky of pale

and budding sprigs of stars

while

somewhere beyond the streetlight

fields grow tall

with the sound of our laughter.

Here in my room

I'll dream us a world

so warm with loving

it will last us a lifetime

or at least

throughout the night.

Night shadows lengthen

lighten

going home to dawn ...

and while it changes its robe

I turn a thousand times

to you, beside me.

Beyond our window

fields hold court

with crickets

and weeds simmer

under the blue lid

of three o'clock fog.

Stars grow dim,

pale angels sleeping

in their velvet chamber ...

I hold you with my eyes

knowing you'll soon be gone

and that my watching

won't change things

any more than I could keep night

once the sun has come.

For a thousand years

I've loved you ...

I've strung the pearls of patience

and watched giraffes at the zoo -

and I've loved you.

I've lain with my head

on your chest,

atop a cliff where,

like fat lizards,

we soaked up sun

against each other,

and I loved you.

I've watched the beggar night

steal across the city,

creep in through windows

and slip across housetops,

watched it come

with its velvet bag

of peppermint stars,

tossing them against the sky,

waiting for the

gray coins of dawn -

and I've loved you.

I've watched you in a crowd

standing alone

with your eyes away from me,

and my hand ached to reach out,

to touch the familiar places

they know so well ...

and they loved you

separate from all my other

kinds of loving ...

I've held my breath

against the curiosity

of your palm,

not wanting to frighten away

the tenderness of your touch ...

watched your gentle lovemaking,

love-taking,

held it cautiously,

fleetingly,

daring not to ask

if you have ever

loved me, too ...

Today is for sale

vacant

no one lives here.

Weeds grow tall

shadows deep

and yesterdays are still

lying around

unopened.

Very quiet ...

few echoes ...

only the sound

of loneliness

ticking through the still ...

All poems are excerpts from the book

Alone is Such a Long, Long Time

Available in print through Amazon

and as a Kindle ebook

Alone is Such a Long, Long Time

In her hauntingly insightful book, Esther Luttrell's lyrical poetry takes its reader to the deepest, most passionate, corner of a lover's world.

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